It’s not Depression, it’s despair
You might tend to believe that other’s have it all figured out. Well, I certainly don’t. Life is enormous and complicated. There are so many aspects to a human being that we could be exploring what makes humans tick for as long as humans exist. And because there are so many facets, it’s impossible for any one person to get it worked out just right. A competence in one arena, typically means a deficiency in another. And nobody gets it perfect.
I wanted to highlight an important feature of existence in this 3D matrix – it consists of cycles, many cycles within cycles, cycles laid upon and around cycles.
“It’s okay to lie in bed and wait. It’s okay to cry and not provide reasons or justification. It’s okay to be asked to be left alone. And it’s okay to feel crushed by life, at least temporarily.”
We have daily cycles – day and night; yearly cycles – spring, summer, autumn, winter; or rainy/dry; Monthly cycles – follicular and luteal; a life cycle – infancy to old age and death….
And then, there is the cycle of despair. In the despair cycle – most of the time, things are okay, even good, even great. There is usually optimism, hopefulness, enthusiasm, joy, joie de livre… and then it hits….despair. The despair might last only a day or a few days. It’s intense, perhaps ramping up. It might start as a little niggling awareness – “I’m not really happy”; then it intensifies “I’m struggling to stay okay” and then it hits “This will never end. There is no hope.” Despair hits when there is the absence of hope. It’s not depression, it will lift soon. You know this, you’ve been through this before. But perhaps you think this time it won’t get better. It will and it does. And then, getting through perhaps you think you’ve resolved the issue permanently and won’t have to go through it ever again. You haven’t. This will happen again, and again, and again. There is no cure, there is no fast solution. Nobody will make it go away. This is a cycle of your life. (Get your free copy: Finding & Liberating Painful Patterns audio guide and workbook here.)
I’ve been through this many times, my whole life, in fact. If this resonates, I encourage you to track it on a calendar, much like some women track their monthly cycles. This is not a monthly cycle. The cycle of despair will typically be 5 or 6 weeks from start to finish. Maybe there is a smaller version at the midway point and this is manageable, just a down day. But the typical cycle from worst day to worst day, will usually be in the 5 – 6 week range.
No matter the situation, it still arises. The mind (body-mind) will seem to find something to fixate upon which will be deemed the “cause” of the despair. If that cause were taken away, however, another cause would take it’s place. From years of studying this phenomenon and just being honest with myself, I see this is true. You are free to judge for yourself, however.
Where does this come from?
I started tracking, observing and asking questions during the most difficult phases of this cycle. I am, at this point, used to getting confirmation from the bodily intelligence – i.e. body awareness. This is helpful because I don’t have to waste time and energy “thinking” about things or going in mind circles. Thinking will rarely get you to a decent answer, btw. I started asking where this state comes from. (Develop your body awareness to get your own answers – Body Thought)
I hit upon something when I thought about my mother. This is not to say that I, in any way, blame my mother for my woes. My experience with my mother only set it up. I got confirmation a few days later, attending a dharma lecture when I asked about my predicament. The lama answered – “It sounds like it’s a womb-time experience”.
So now what? I will let you know, that it can get better, but not by trying to make it go away, though. It gets better by acknowledging and surrendering.
“You again. Hello, old friend. What have you got for me this time?” And then you go through it: without lashing out at yourself or others, without making conclusions about your life, without putting much stock into the experience. You just go through it – again, and again, and again. Until it has worn out it’s power over you. It’s okay to lie in bed and wait. It’s okay to cry and not provide reasons or justification. It’s okay to be asked to be left alone. And it’s okay to feel crushed by life, at least temporarily.
You can ask yourself questions while in the throes of the despair, to give yourself options. I started with “Do I need to consider this option? Are there other options? Can I endure this just a bit longer?”. These questions provided me with a bit more room while I endured my 2 or 3 days. The next cycle was not quite as bad and I gave myself even more room, asking more questions. You get the picture.
The bottom line: nobody will make it go away and nobody can make it better for you, and you certainly can not force it to go away. My only recommendation for getting through the despair cycle – make it interesting for yourself through the challenging moments by asking questions and being interested and give yourself the luxury of space.
How do you get through this? My recommendation is to be interested in the phenomenon and develop your awareness of your body. When you are able to get clear on the sensations, you will be able to access more information and you will become more stable. (Develop your body awareness: Beyond Thought).
You might find another way through this cycle. I welcome your comments and input, which might be helpful to somebody else. There are so many ways and viewpoints through this. Drop a comment below and please, reach out to me.
Blessings ~ t