I never felt like I belonged

I remember being ~ 5 years old and sneaking out of the house on a summer’s evening in a white night gown.  The sky was blue-black and prickled with stars, the air was warm and rich, the crickets were singing.  Filled with an emotional pain, I crept out onto the front lawn to do somersaults and cartwheels on the grass.  

I was hoping that somebody or a couple, longing for a child of their own would see me, understand that I needed a home and take me with them to be a part of their family.  I felt like I didn’t belong to my family, like I didn’t belong anywhere and I wanted to find where I would finally belong.


“The problem with feeling like you don’t belong, is that the belief will never allow you to belong anywhere.  I was always looking for a way out…”.  Opportunities exist in every moment.  Start preparing now. 

Finding & Liberating Painful Patterns, audio guide and workbook.

This sense of not belonging stayed with me for almost my entire life.  What finally made the difference for me was a challenge, a question.  This question gave me pause, I felt something stirring within, I knew there was something opening up.  So I got quiet and still and went within and found the darkest place within myself that I could find and stayed there.  “I’m listening.  What do you know that I do not?”.  And I listened and started to feel, see, hear.

The question was posed by a coach I had never met.  I was not her student, it seemed to happen by chance.  I was just watching a webinar, not even a live one, it was pre-recorded.  She challenged her audience with a question.  “What is your conviction?  What do you really stand for?!”  I had certainly fallen for a lot.  And I felt there was something more.

This did not happen by accident, it was not a random occurrence.  I had prepared for this opportunity by tilling the soil, by developing my awareness of my body.  So much so, that all I needed was a little prod, and I could feel the gates starting to shake and quiver, the binding unravelling.  At that point all I needed to do was listen and relax.   And I saw there was love and I felt it, there was a voice.  And the voice said “I belong”.  



Opportunities for realization exist in every moment.  Start preparing now.  Get the free guide:  Finding & Liberating Painful Patterns



“I belong!” that was such a surprise to me.  But when I saw it-felt it-heard it, I knew that was my truth.  And all this time, I had walked around in a spell, believing I didn’t belong. 

The problem with believing you don’t belong, is that the belief will never allow you to belong anywhere.  I was always looking for a way out of my current situation, so I could find where I truly belonged, which would never happen, because my little voice kept telling me I didn’t belong.  I was always in the wrong city, the wrong country, the wrong era, the wrong relationships, the wrong universe, wrong timeline, wrong dimension…..”I don’t belong here”.

Why would I choose to believe this?  It certainly did me no good.  The answer has to do with how we come to conclusions.  For me, this belief started when I was very young, probably 4 or 5 years old, maybe younger.  Children are innocent, naive.  From my child’s viewpoint, the world was perfect, my parents were perfect, so everything I received was my own fault.  I’m wrong, it’s me, I am unwanted, I don’t belong.  It never occurred to me that parents sometimes lack skills or that they have troubles, themselves, or that society is unfair and unjust, that the community was prejudiced and unsafe.  With my limited understanding, I came to the only conclusion that made sense for me at the time, despite how painful it was.  And because it was a conclusion, it was relatively final.  This is why conclusions are so dangerous, but that’s another story.

Would you like to find your light?  Experience Inner Authority?  Contact me.



The Ego and the light

  • Your ego needs to know what to expect.
  • It would rather be right, than be open to something new.
  • To find your true self, you need to look in the shadows.
  • You never really get rid of your ego, but you can stop taking it seriously, listening to it and obeying it.




Stuck in painful cycles and patterns?


Why manifesting works for some and not for others

Your ego was built when you were ~ two years old.

It’s not that sophisticated.  It likes to be in control, and throw tantrums, get lots of attention and goodies (or no attention if it rejects that), say “NO” to things that are in its own best interests and generally exhibit petulance. 

Now this ego person, thinks it’s the real you.  But you existed before your ego did, so we know that can’t be true.  

From all its built up experiences, some good, but mostly it’s interested in the not-so-good, the ego has created a personality.  This personality exists to get what the ego wants and avoid what the ego doesn’t want.  And what the ego doesn’t want is the unknown.  It’s  like being on automatic pilot: if this happens, then I perform that.  It’s an equation, a calculation and it’s generally not open to possibilities.  It’s job is to know what to expect.  It would rather know that something unfortunate/unpleasant is going to happen (and participate in the creation of that) than be open to something new.  So it responds in the same ways over and over and over again, expecting the same things over and over and over – and it gets what it expects.  Thus cycles and patterns are born.  I’m pretty sure you’ve seen this in your life and probably in the lives of others.





How does this relate to manifesting, you ask?  Well, everything.

Your ego holds onto its limiting, core beliefs.  It expects and even wants things to happen as they’ve always happened, even if that is not in your best interests.  Two-year-old, remember.  

While you might be busy trying to imagine possibilities, your ego is trying to fend off anything new.  That’s a conflict and you can probably feel it.  You might make some progress and see something new present itself in your life.  But as long as you believe your ego and obey your ego, you are going to manifest what you’ve always manifested.  Yes, you are indeed successfully manifesting, right now, all the time.  Your situation is an expression of what you (probably ‘little you’) believe. 

That’s the “bad’ news, but there’s “good” news also.  There is another you.  One that the ego person is constantly working to suppress and control.  This being is one that knows who you really are.  It doesn’t have to guess or think about it or surmise based on past actions, because it KNOWS.  It’s is healthy, energetic, it loves its life and it is not fooled by external appearances not even by the ego.  And for this knowledge, it is condemned (by a two-year-old dictator) to be hidden in darkness.  This part of you can wait until the time is right to reveal its knowing – it waits for a crack.  It is beyond harming or damaging because it lives in truth and light.  

So who wins in this stand-off?  Ultimately the real you wins, but when?  The ‘when’ is determined by when you finally look into the shadows to find your true self:  hidden, strapped down, boarded up, cocooned by barbed wire, but still alive and well.  It will do you no good to hear it from me.  That doesn’t count.  You have to see, hear and feel it for yourself.   

Now what?  Get the free audio guide and workbook:  Finding & Liberating Painful Patterns.

Why, oh why, would we do this to ourselves?  This story might help you understand.


It’s not Depression, it’s despair

You might tend to believe that other’s have it all figured out.  Well, I certainly don’t.  Life is enormous and complicated.  There are so many aspects to a human being that we could be exploring what makes humans tick for as long as humans exist.  And because there are so many facets, it’s impossible for any one person to get it worked out just right.  A competence in one arena, typically means a deficiency in another.  And nobody gets it perfect.

I wanted to highlight an important feature of existence in this 3D matrix – it consists of cycles, many cycles within cycles, cycles laid upon and around cycles.


“It’s okay to lie in bed and wait.  It’s okay to cry and not provide reasons or justification.  It’s okay to be asked to be left alone.  And it’s okay to feel crushed by life, at least temporarily.”

We have daily cycles – day and night; yearly cycles – spring, summer, autumn, winter; or rainy/dry; Monthly cycles – follicular and luteal; a life cycle – infancy to old age and death….  

And then, there is the cycle of despair.  In the despair cycle – most of the time, things are okay, even good, even great.  There is usually optimism, hopefulness, enthusiasm, joy, joie de livre… and then it hits….despair.  The despair might last only a day or a few days.  It’s intense, perhaps ramping up.  It might start as a little niggling awareness – “I’m not really happy”;  then it intensifies “I’m struggling to stay okay” and then it hits “This will never end.  There is no hope.”  Despair hits when there is the absence of hope.  It’s not depression, it will lift soon.  You know this, you’ve been through this before.  But perhaps you think this time it won’t get better.  It will and it does.  And then, getting through perhaps you think you’ve resolved the issue permanently and won’t have to go through it ever again.  You haven’t.  This will happen again, and again, and again.  There is no cure, there is no fast solution.  Nobody will make it go away.  This is a cycle of your life.  (Get your free copy: Finding & Liberating Painful Patterns audio guide and workbook here.)

I’ve been through this many times, my whole life, in fact.  If this resonates, I encourage you to track it on a calendar, much like some women track their monthly cycles.  This is not a monthly cycle.  The cycle of despair will typically be 5 or 6 weeks from start to finish.  Maybe there is a smaller version at the midway point and this is manageable, just a down day.  But the typical cycle from worst day to worst day, will usually be in the  5 – 6 week range.

No matter the situation, it still arises.  The mind (body-mind) will seem to find something to fixate upon which will be deemed the “cause” of the despair.  If that cause were taken away, however, another cause would take it’s place.  From years of studying this phenomenon and just being honest with myself, I see this is true.  You are free to judge for yourself, however.


Where does this come from?

I started tracking, observing and asking questions during the most difficult phases of this cycle.  I am, at this point, used to getting confirmation from the bodily intelligence – i.e. body awareness.  This is helpful because I don’t have to waste time and energy “thinking” about things or going in mind circles.  Thinking will rarely get you to a decent answer, btw.   I started asking where this state comes from.  (Develop your body awareness to get your own answers – Body Thought)

I hit upon something when I thought about my mother.  This is not to say that I, in any way, blame my mother for my woes.  My experience with my mother only set it up.  I got confirmation a few days later, attending a dharma lecture when I asked about my predicament.  The lama answered – “It sounds like it’s a womb-time experience”.  

So now what?  I will let you know, that it can get better, but not by trying to make it go away, though.  It gets better by acknowledging and surrendering.  

“You again.  Hello, old friend.  What have you got for me this time?”  And then you go through it: without lashing out at yourself or others, without making conclusions about your life, without putting much stock into the experience.  You just go through it – again, and again, and again.  Until it has worn out it’s power over you.  It’s okay to lie in bed and wait.  It’s okay to cry and not provide reasons or justification.  It’s okay to be asked to be left alone.  And it’s okay to feel crushed by life, at least temporarily.

You can ask yourself questions while in the throes of the despair, to give yourself options.  I started with “Do I need to consider this option?  Are there other options?  Can I endure this just a bit longer?”.  These questions provided me with a bit more room while I endured my 2 or 3 days.  The next cycle was not quite as bad and I gave myself even more room, asking more questions.  You get the picture.

The bottom line:  nobody will make it go away and nobody can make it better for you, and you certainly can not force it to go away.  My only recommendation for getting through the despair cycle  – make it interesting for yourself through the challenging moments by asking questions and being interested and give yourself the luxury of space.

How do you get through this?  My recommendation is to be interested in the phenomenon and develop your awareness of your body.  When you are able to get clear on the sensations, you will be able to access more information and you will become more stable. (Develop your  body awareness: Beyond Thought).


You might find another way through this cycle.  I welcome your comments and input, which might be helpful to somebody else.  There are so many ways and viewpoints through this.   Drop a comment below and please, reach out to me.

Blessings ~ t