I never felt like I belonged
I remember being ~ 5 years old and sneaking out of the house on a summer’s evening in a white night gown. The sky was blue-black and prickled with stars, the air was warm and rich, the crickets were singing. Filled with an emotional pain, I crept out onto the front lawn to do somersaults and cartwheels on the grass.
I was hoping that somebody or a couple, longing for a child of their own would see me, understand that I needed a home and take me with them to be a part of their family. I felt like I didn’t belong to my family, like I didn’t belong anywhere and I wanted to find where I would finally belong.
“The problem with feeling like you don’t belong, is that the belief will never allow you to belong anywhere. I was always looking for a way out…”. Opportunities exist in every moment. Start preparing now.
Finding & Liberating Painful Patterns, audio guide and workbook.
This sense of not belonging stayed with me for almost my entire life. What finally made the difference for me was a challenge, a question. This question gave me pause, I felt something stirring within, I knew there was something opening up. So I got quiet and still and went within and found the darkest place within myself that I could find and stayed there. “I’m listening. What do you know that I do not?”. And I listened and started to feel, see, hear.
The question was posed by a coach I had never met. I was not her student, it seemed to happen by chance. I was just watching a webinar, not even a live one, it was pre-recorded. She challenged her audience with a question. “What is your conviction? What do you really stand for?!” I had certainly fallen for a lot. And I felt there was something more.
This did not happen by accident, it was not a random occurrence. I had prepared for this opportunity by tilling the soil, by developing my awareness of my body. So much so, that all I needed was a little prod, and I could feel the gates starting to shake and quiver, the binding unravelling. At that point all I needed to do was listen and relax. And I saw there was love and I felt it, there was a voice. And the voice said “I belong”.
“I belong!” that was such a surprise to me. But when I saw it-felt it-heard it, I knew that was my truth. And all this time, I had walked around in a spell, believing I didn’t belong.
The problem with believing you don’t belong, is that the belief will never allow you to belong anywhere. I was always looking for a way out of my current situation, so I could find where I truly belonged, which would never happen, because my little voice kept telling me I didn’t belong. I was always in the wrong city, the wrong country, the wrong era, the wrong relationships, the wrong universe, wrong timeline, wrong dimension…..”I don’t belong here”.
Why would I choose to believe this? It certainly did me no good. The answer has to do with how we come to conclusions. For me, this belief started when I was very young, probably 4 or 5 years old, maybe younger. Children are innocent, naive. From my child’s viewpoint, the world was perfect, my parents were perfect, so everything I received was my own fault. I’m wrong, it’s me, I am unwanted, I don’t belong. It never occurred to me that parents sometimes lack skills or that they have troubles, themselves, or that society is unfair and unjust, that the community was prejudiced and unsafe. With my limited understanding, I came to the only conclusion that made sense for me at the time, despite how painful it was. And because it was a conclusion, it was relatively final. This is why conclusions are so dangerous, but that’s another story.
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